A Rough Diamond
TerritorialMale Monday, January 09, 2006
Had my mother had as half a libido as Pamela Anderson or Marilyn Monroe, I would have had a stronger bone structure. She being 'Born-again Christian' took the concept to heart and found herself a soldier, a pious man in his own rights. Thus, the bond certified 'Till death do us part' and sealed with a kiss set the ball rolling for my dramatic entry. I was born after an extended period of labour and once the formalities were over, mother held the bundle of mucous close to her bosom with a sigh of relief. Dad looked into her eyes, smiled and said, "We're parents now!" but what he meant to say was, "Was that your best attempt?"
Can't hold it against him really. Here I was, a ghastly sight, a tiny prick with little gray matter mostly consisting of my bloated ego and a thick skull to house it. A weakling by birth, the delicacy of my organs became even more apparent as I reached adolescence, compounded further by a rickety framework that protected it. I sure would have loved to have dad's wrists, as wide as railway tracks. Instead what I got were feeble twigs that can hardly be passed off as wrists. Probably the only thing I got from dad was his chest, a very macho thing. Infact, so enthused was a school friend by it that he never missed a moment to let his hands run over it. So, every time we lined up for the school's morning assembly (which was a long time ago), two hands would suddenly emerge from behind, feel it and a soft voice would whisper in my ear, "You have a great chest." A few feels later, I was beginning to doubt where his interests lie. Having said that, my adolescent chest certainly was very manly, provided one ignored the rest of the body or else the imagery one got was of a horribly emaciated girl with under-developed torso.
Going through that impressionable age was a challenge. There were times when all I did was sit and gloat.Virtually everything and anything impressed me - Arnie's biceps, Brad Pitt's cheeks, Connery's lisp, Brosnan's gait and even Liv Tyler's eyes for crying out loud. I was thoroughly confused.
Come to think of it - so what did I want to alter about my appearance? First thing's first. I would've liked a few more bones up my spine, may be an inch or two more in my thighs. No, make that six inches. Big B's voice. Yes, that would be nice. Redford's jaws. Stallone's chest. Pre-shaved ofcourse! Pitt's cheeks. Not the kind you're thinking of.
Let us reflect on this transmogrification for a few moments.......................
..............................Wow! That would've been some hideous creature. Very Picassoistic. Very good for auctions but very bad for functionality.
I shall now mope in silence for what I could have been. Then I shall laugh at those silly juvenile notions. Then I shall finally come to terms with the present and grin like a lunatic. I couldn't have been better or worse. I am just fine. I have a supportive family, a great house and lovely parents (who have stayed together thus far). May God grant them many more years together!
Now what else could a guy ask for.